Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?

     Finger on chin I don't know.

     Hits forehead Oh I get it!

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde,
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how  you did this!"
The second blonde then  says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"

Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and
coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the
other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the
bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and
asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other
one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the
only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!"

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this
|<---------------------->|
is 12 inches.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his
neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?" 

"Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."

"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe. 

"Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse.  But, if I
don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as
another."

Australia.
Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless

And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that
there is an exception to every rule.
If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we
must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule
states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow
it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to
the rule that for every rule there is an exception.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
   driving when a
   police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
   says "Did you
   know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
   to her husband
   "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
   "He said I was
   speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
   "Chicago" The
   wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
   his wife and said,
   "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit,
   you know, I had
   my worst fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
   what did he say?"
   The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a
sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."  "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in
the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting
in the corner.  The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You?  How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I
was standing in line at Documentation Center.  Man in front of me
was big blonde Swede.  Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He
say, " Hans Olaffsen."  She look at me say, "What your name?"  I say,
"Sam Ting."

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely
three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's
apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,"
said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest
thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just
wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
   donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist
attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers
American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?


                    Her knickers fit her like a glove!

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
     
-Both of them.

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
   slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
   was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
   then about 200 men walking in single file.
  
   Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
   asked him who was in the first hearse.
  
   "My wife," the man replied.
  
   "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
  
   "My dog bit her and she died."
  
   Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
  
   The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
   well."
  
   Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
   borrow your dog?"
  
   To which the man replied, "Get in line."

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
   will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George
Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that
you are always busy.

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting
on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of
fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection
with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny
asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"
His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.",
to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

This is so cool.
Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. 
There is no catch.  Many people forget the "OF"'s.  The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh?  It fools almost
everybody.

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on
   the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the
   wife went on the ride by herself.
  
   The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out
   and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
  
   "Are you hurt?" he asked.
  
   "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't
   wave once!"

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife
Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says,
"That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,
"I know, it's fucking magic."

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation:
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me
what's wrong with me Dr.?
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
   her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was
   able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
   minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
   car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
   car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied
   "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
   When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a
   Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
   at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near
   spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
   trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's
   sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
   charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
   The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
   Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded
   cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the
   cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings,
   the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
   frustrated, walked away.

Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed
out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had
rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?"
They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say,
'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a
look and the damn camel ran away!"

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said
politely."

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping
myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband
pretty upset."

There were two guys walking down the street
and they saw a dog licking his nuts.
One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that".
Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"!

Foreshadow of Y2K?

In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston,
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card
stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw
it away. In April he received another and threw that
one away, too. The following month the credit card
company sent him a very nasty note stating they were
going to cancel his card if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to
them, they said it was a computer error and told him
they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about
time that he tried out the troublesome credit card
figuring that if there were purchases on his account it
would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However,
in the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases, he found that his card had
been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the
computer error once again and said that they would take
care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating
that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day, the
latest bill was yet another mistake. So he ignored it, and
trusted that the company would be as good as their word
and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he
would play the company at their own game and mailed them a
check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and
returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit
card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation
the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail.

The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing
the computer to crash. The following month the man received
a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check
had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to
recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer
for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

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